** Copied over from yesterday’s Instagram post! **
Once upon a time, approximately 20 mins ago, the biggest f*#$@*g spider I’ve ever seen (easily 2 inches wide) ran across the floor by the crib. I stifled a scream so not to wake the baby then automatically looked for a grown up to save us – wait. I AM the grown up! So I hunted around desperately in the dark for some type of vessel to catch the possibly baby-eating monster in but alas – all I could find was the top of a deodorant bottle, far too small to contain those huge hairy legs.
So, I lured it onto a cushion – it moved and the fear knocked me off balance onto the bed and on to the floor. I froze in a ninja style “i was supposed to do that” pose and look over to the baby – phew! He was still asleep.
I tried again and this time successfully managed to throw the spider covered cushion quickly out of the room, saving the baby from it’s perilous jaws!
But I still need to get it out of the house…. I wake the cat and tell her to stand guard whilst I find something big enough… hooray! A protein shake bottle will be perfect… now where did it go… carefully I lifted up the cushion but nothing. Where’s the b*****d gone? The cat looked at me plainly. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw something black move. I jumped and staggered back finding I had automatically manoeuvred myself into the one -footed crane pose. I steadied myself and prepared to try again.
I lifted the cushion once more and eight enormous hairy legs shot out and ran across the floor. I pounced.
I found some cardboard and carefully slid it under the bottle. I slid the bottle/cardboard combo across the carpet and over the top step of the stairs so I could lift it without It being able to escape me. I gingerly carried the vessel downstairs and made my way to the front door, praying that when I opened it, there would be no one walking past to see me in my tshirt and knickers.
I opened the door and with all my might flung the intruder as far away as possible. I watched as it slunk away into the night…
Mama Bear – 1, Massive bad-ass hairy enormous spider – 0 #mumwins #knackerednow